Read Time: 8 minutes Wanting to change the world is a good thing. For the better, at least. I should probably specify that. Wanting to purify a race, or throw...
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Read Time: 10 minutes I try not to make promises I can’t keep, but I really am pretty sure I can give you super powers. I can’t help you fly,...
Read Time: 6 minutes I won’t try to convince you that the drought is a real problem, because well, I can’t. I’m an idiot. I couldn’t even really explain to...
Read Time: 6 minutes It’s weird how people who complain that they’re inherently unlovable seem so self-aware, but never seem to realize how annoying their mopey asses are to everyone around...
Read Time: 9 minutes In the event that I ever accidentally give off the impression that I’ve got life figured out, keep in mind that I spent most of the...
Read Time: 5 minutes I can’t tell you how to live your life. Well, okay. That’s a lie. I can and do all the time. Here, watch. I’ll do it...
Read Time: 4 minutes It’s pretty amazing how American adolescents have the nerve to feel so embarrassed by their parents when they are literally the worst people earth has to offer. You can...
Read Time: 7 minutes Sometimes people tell me that I’m too self-deprecating, and they’re right. Self-deprecation is one of the many ways in which I’m terrible. Just the absolute worst....
Read Time: 7 minutes Just as a casual reminder: There are children in third world countries whose drinking water is contaminated with petroleum, human poo, and blood from when their mother stepped on a...
Read Time: 5 minutes It feels so great to wake up every day and to know that there’s nothing wrong in the world, doesn’t it? Nobody has awful thoughts. Nobody says awful things. Nobody is hungry, or dying, or oversharing...