I hate the world of online dating, but I also hate the idea of going to a bar.  My work life is really low on suitors, but damn it, I feel like I’m actually ready for a relationship.  I just feel like every dating avenue sucks.  So what should I do?

Look, okay.  Yes, you’re right.  Every dating avenue is, in some way, a butt sandwich, and not the fun kind.

But here’s an important thing to remember: To some degree, you have control of the experience with every form of potential dating (and everything shitty in life).  So it might be worth viewing dating not as something that happens to you all the time, and instead as something that you’re doing and can control.

Let’s look at this with regards to online dating.  Yes it can be a cesspool of people who are boring, who like My Little Pony, or whose catchphrase is, “Tits or GTFO.” But to a large extent, through the people you choose to interact with, meet up with, and the conversations you have, you have the power to control a lot of that.

You may have to dig through a lot of shit to find the gold, and that sucks, but there’s nothing stopping you from doing that.  So start digging already!

Point being, it’s a scary, gross, unappetizing bunch of options you have.  But they’re your options.  So make the best of them.  Sitting and bitching isn’t helping you, even if the bitching is justified.

Seek solutions.  Look at what you’re doing wrong.  Don’t go on some app called “Bonr” and then get upset that you can’t find a boyfriend who only wants to see your soul so that he can put his dick in it.  If you’re annoyed that you’re stuck in a cesspool, get out, take a shower, and move to a pool that’s less cessy, and more sexy.

I’m just saying, there aren’t typically a sea of dudes on eHarmony asking to “c ur vegana.”

If you’re serious about this, get serious.

And if you don’t like online dating, get out there in the real world, and get your hands dirty.  That sounds like I’m telling you to give a bunch of hand jobs, but really, I’m just telling you to take some action.  Make an effort to make the shitty situation known as dating less shitty.

This goes for all of life, by the way.  Responding with, “Okay, but what can I do?” is a good start when evaluating every awful circumstance–and that includes an inbox full of literal, and figurative dicks.

My roommate wants to get a dog, and ugh.  I really don’t want him too.  I’m just not a dog person.  They’re loud, and smelly, and they pee and poop everywhere. I just don’t get them, and I don’t think I should have to live with one.  Am I so wrong to feel this way?

…Yes.

This is usually where I’d write a response about how in a way, you’re both right and wrong, and how this is a complex issue, and you’d really benefit from rationally talking it out.

But yeah, no. You’re just wrong.  People who don’t like dogs are fucked in the head, and I’m sorry to read that that includes you.  Allow me to try to un-fuck you a little bit.

Here’s the thing: dogs are better than people.

This is just a fact.  They are simply, on average, better beings to have in the world than humans.

This is no accident.  This is a result of us controlling their breeding much more than our own in the past few millennia.  Dog breeding has mostly been a case of, “Oh this girl is super sweet.  Let’s make her fuck that awesome guide dog, and they’ll make a litter full of amazing, furry companions.”

Human breeding has mostly been a case of, “I like her boobs.  I’ma blort in her.”

As a result, dogs mostly just fucking rule now, and people are mostly a series of mistakes and accidents.  Dogs are more caring, have better priorities, and contribute way less to climate change than people.

Sure some dogs may snap at you, or piss on priceless family heirlooms every now and then, but the same can be said for people.  The vast majority of dogs, however are indeed good boys and good girls.  The same can’t be said for people.

As such, dogs teach us to appreciate what we have.  You’re stressed about your job, or because the repairs on your car are double what you were expecting, or because some hot piece of ass is ghosting you, and you tend to dwell in that world of negativity.  You see the world through the lens of your sexless, broken down Civic.

Here’s where a dog changes things.

In the midst of your suffering, you give your dog dinner, and you watch them go absolutely apeshit.  They act like they won the fucking lottery because you’re setting down 3 ounces of dehydrated lamb for them.

Without even realizing it, this moment has changed your perspective.  Seeing your dog live so perfectly in the moment, enjoying the dumbest shit possible immediately brings you to that state of mind.  It immediately shifts you to a state of appreciation for the world instead of ruminating on how pissed off you are by the scratch on your passenger door.

Dogs make us better, happier, more patient, more responsible and if used properly, can lead to you getting way more ass.

So here’s what you should do: give the roommate the okay, try to steer him towards a low maintenance dog, and get fucking pumped.  Assuming you never find true love (which, if you remain not a dog person, I don’t know how you could), and assuming you never win the lottery, your roommate getting a dog may be the best thing to ever happen to you.

I feel like my relationship with my girlfriend has gotten a little stale.  I’m not sure if it’s the normal three-years-in stuff, or if we have hit a wall we can’t get around. I find myself kind of looking elsewhere, but not seriously.  Not really sure how to proceed…

Given your status, it’s normal, in dealing with the anxieties of a lifelong commitment, to kind of look around elsewhere.  That’s your conscience’s way of confirming, “So this is for sure, like definitely it, right?  Like for realsies?  Like out of the 7 billion people roaming around and farting all over the planet, I’m definitely picking you, I guess?”

Apprehension about this is extremely rational (I mean ARE you actually sure?), so merely having the question doesn’t mean anything bad about your relationship.

As for the hitting a wall, that’s pretty normal too.  At this point, you should be able to still find little sparks of passion–but it’s normal for them to be sparks, not engulfing fuck flames.

If you’re looking for that to be dominant status of your relationship–where you come home every day and play a Peter Gabriel song on your iPhone outside her window–then you simply don’t understand how relationships work.

At this point, a feeling of jubilation is nice, but not only is it uncommon (and not worth waiting around for), but it misses the point.

At this point, your relationship is not about waking up every day, looking at the other person and being in awe of the fact that they choose to be around you.  That’s not its purpose.  Your relationship should be transferring into a partnership, where the focus is being each other’s assistant, sounding board, travel buddy, life improver, and uh…sex…doer.

A lot of relationships fail around this time specifically because the people in them don’t get this.

So yeah, forget about all of the lovey dovey horseshit for a second.  Ask yourself this. How does she make your life better every day?  How does she make you more able to function?  How do your interests align in the long term?  How much do you enjoy yourself more when she’s around?  How much better does she make you?  Can you still work up a solid stiffy when you look at her (sorry to get weird, but the remains important)?

She should be asking herself all of those questions about you too (well, not the stiffy one).  Figure out real answers to these questions.  View your relationship in a new light.  It won’t be as exciting as it was two years ago, but excitement isn’t everything.  In fact, it’s not even really important.

But if your answers to these questions aren’t great, then it’s time to start thinking.  And by “thinking,”I mean “definitely breaking up with your girlfriend, and finding someone who is a better long term fit before you die alone.”

If they’re mostly positive, then you’re mostly fine, and “mostly” is really the most we can ask for.