Try to Date Everyone in the World

Read Time: 5 minutes

This Valentine’s month, as I think about all of the people in the world who are unwittingly single, and the despair they might be feeling, and what to do about it, I’m recalling Alan Arkin’s character in Little Miss Sunshine–as I’m sure many of us are.

 

 

He has this quote in the movie that I almost dismissed until now as just a quirky jokey character moment that he says to a (playing) 15-year-old Paul Dano:

 

“Listen to me, I got no reason to lie to you, don’t make the same mistakes I made when I was young. Fuck a lotta women kid, not just one woman, a lotta women.”

 

Now the way he said it certainly is funny, and whacky and apparently Oscar-worthy, but I also think there’s an important idea buried in there.  

 

The idea–or at least how I’m choosing to interpret it–is this: experience the world.  Experience every part of it.  Experience as many parts as you possibly can until you find something that’s worth sticking with.  Explore, explore, explore.  Stick your one-eyed-monster into every crevice of humanity that you can, and look around to see what’s really going on in there.

 

Again, my interpretation.

 

This doesn’t literally mean fucking a lot of people–although I guess it can if that’s how you want to look at it.  The idea is really more in investment.  It means fully throwing yourself into Tinder interactions, and Zoom dates, and eventually real dates.  It means remaining really fucking open to every potential match, and leading with curiosity, instead of leading with pre-judgments and reasons to say no.

 

Okay, so this is totally not what “fuck a lot of women” meant, but too late.  We’re off to the races. 

 

Why Dating All the Time Matters

 

Dating consistently and aggressively is great because it broadens your horizons, and diversifies your language for life, which makes you a more well-balanced, versatile person.  It’s like travel, but with the occasional Chlamydia. 

 

So, I guess, like travel.

 

This is important for the reasons listed above, but also because of one universal, inevitable, absolutely crucial fact: You don’t know what you like until you experience it.

 

 

 

And by “experience,” I don’t mean that you talk to someone for four seconds, get a weird vibe, and then swear off anyone with that eyebrow placement for the rest of eternity.  This means fully interacting, and giving a genuine chance to as many people as possible.  It means aggressive, clinical trial and a metric fuck ton of error.  It means learning to find the right person from the best teacher you could ever find–Mrs. Personal Failure.

 

We have this notion in our heads that we know what we want, and the reality is that not only do we not know when we first start dating, but in a way, we kind of never do–at least not beyond the more surface-level, superficial sense.

 

Our minds and souls are infinite, which sounds like some faux-spiritual bullshit, but I assure you, it’s relevant.  They’re endlessly complicated messes where figuring out one thing renders something else a mystery, and where the thing you just figured out can quickly change as you continue to experience new things all the time.  It’s an ever-evolving mess, and you’re a dumbass if you ever try to pretend you’ve got it figured out.  So all of that to say…

 

You Don’t Really Know What You Want Right Now

 

You don’t know whose sense of humor will weirdly fit with yours, or what brand of kindness is the one that just hits you in the perfect spot in your life, or whose weird eyes will look just perfectly into your weird eyes. 

 

And mostly, you don’t know how your current feelings for someone will evolve 5 dates in.  You could let your guard down just enough to see them for how great they are, or to find out that no, they actually are a complete weirdo.

 

Am I saying that you should date everyone who swipes right on you five times each?  No.  I’m just saying to invest yourself in giving a ton of people real chances.  Go into your dating life the same way you should be going into the rest of your life–with an open, learning mindset.  

 

Go into every potentially romantic interaction like it’s an adventure–like you’re a five-year-old trying tacos for the first time, because with every new person, you kind of are.  

 

 

This is awesome because when you take more swings, you’re more likely to get a hit, but also because it lowers the stakes.  

 

Had high hopes for a date, and it didn’t go that well?  No worries.  You have 17 more planned this week.  

 

Or, you know, like two or three, or whatever.  

 

The point is that when we go on one seemingly super high-stakes date a month, the pressure we place on that one date can be so much that it paralyzes us into inaction, and that toooootally sucks.  

 

Conversely, when you constantly not only interact with a lot of potential options, but fully throw yourself into trying to make it work with them, you relieve the pressure on dating.  No single interaction is that consequential because there are more swings coming.  Your love life is an ongoing experiment that never ends…

 

…until, of course, the experiment does end. 

 

So then, how do we proceed from there?  What happens when you fully invest with someone, and then what the fuck–it’s actually going somewhere?   

 

What to Do Once You Find the One

 

On the surface, your approach when you’re in a committed relationship doesn’t have to change that much from when you’re looking for someone.

 

The idea is the same: Remain curious, investigative, and non-judgemental.  The difference is that now, instead of focusing that energy on every vaguely interesting person on Bumble, you’re focusing it entirely on that person scrolling Netflix on the couch next to you.

 

We can do this forever because we have those infinite souls, and are endlessly complicated.  There are always new ways you can discover someone–especially as they continually change in life.  When they say that relationships are work, this is what they mean.  But if you’re with the right person, it’s really, really fun work.  

 

When you pick someone, it’s your responsibility to always know them better–to figure out where they’re going, to join them, and to invite them to join you.  You’re still remaining open, but it’s to who they become.  If you remain curious and you commit to changing together, that’s a sustainable partner in life.

 

 

This is the best part of committed love, and I promise, it’s worth all of that trial and error.

 

So get aggressive.  Go out there seeking to make connections all over the place–even now, even via zoom, even via weird cryptic emojis that could mean anything.  Seek to connect however you can.  Invest in everyone that’s even somewhat interesting.

 

Fuck a lot of women, metaphorically speaking.

 

 It’s only when you do this, when you really, genuinely, presently look around at everything out there that you can really know what it is that you’re looking for, and you can find that person that’s worth exploring forever.

 

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For more on how to love people once you’re in a relationship, check out my post from last year: Love is Not a Thing.