By 
I’m pretty tired of being single. I’m getting older, and I’d like all of the things that a relationship can bring, and it’s just never happened for me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t like the way this is going right now, or has been going for my whole life, now that I think about it. I feel like I need a miracle at this point.
There are a lot of possible problems here, so let’s stretch our legs, do some jumping jacks, and get ready to jump into just about everything you could be doing wrong. Are you ready to feel like an idiot?
Let’s start with a problem that is a gigantic motherfucker, and not just for perpetually single people. This is the most common core issue with the vast majority of life’s problems, and in six simple words, you demonstrated it in your question:
“It just never happened for me.”
Step back and look at that. Really consider that statement for a second. Listen to the wind blow as that sentence passes through your head a couple of times.
You know what I’m going to say now, don’t you? Yeah, you do. Well I’m going to say it anyway:
Things don’t happen for you. That’s not how reality works. You’re not going to be waltzing carefree through your life, and then stumble into a meet-cute, and then have a falling out at page 75 of the screenplay, and then he’ll tongue your mouth in an airport and somehow that will fix everything, and you’ll have two and a half kids, and a life that doesn’t suck.
Stop waiting. You have to make this happen. You have to grab a healthy relationship by the dick, and pull it into your life.
So what exactly does this entail?
This involves dating…actively…a lot. It involves going out to places, talking to people, getting on the apps, sifting through the guys who say “Wanna fuck” before they say “Hello,” and going through a metric fuck ton of trial and error. This means a ton of awful dates, a ton of guys that are okay enough but you’ll end up ghosting within two weeks, and a few that seem really good, but then the guy ends up not liking your cat, so you burn his stuff in a bonfire.
This is about putting up with all of that in pursuit of the one that matters, but the good news is that that one makes it worth it.
Now I have a guess for what you might be saying in response to all of that. “But I don’t want to pursue. I want to be pursued. I want to be swept off my feet.”
I totally get that. I really, really do. I too desperately want benefits in life without putting in any work myself. Who doesn’t? That would fucking rule. But unfortunately, that’s not the way the cookie crumbles.
Now you might also be saying, “But we all deserve love, right? Doesn’t that include me?” On a very basic human level, sure. We all deserve love from our fellow person–but not necessarily romantic love.
If you sit on your ass, and look around at the world, and shrug a lot, and then wonder why you’re single, sorry, but you don’t deserve romantic love. Just as in literally every other area of life, you have to do something to make something happen.
So yes, you have to talk to strangers, and risk rejection, and awkwardness, and countless sexual blunders. That all can suck, but so can dying alone. The question isn’t how to avoid all of the annoying obstacles. The question is: Which problems do you want?
You could keep waiting for something to happen for you, find that it’s not happening, and then regret it for the rest of your life.
Or, you could try and err your way through potential partners until you find one that doesn’t suck, and then hold onto that dick for dear life, and live happily ever after.
The choice is yours.
You’re So Not Hot
Now, maybe I’m just reading too much into your question, and you really are trying to make this happen. I kind of doubt it, but let’s assume that for a second.
You might also be single because you’re not attractive enough. In reality, this is unlikely because, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, there are some hideous motherfuckers out there in seemingly fine relationships.
Instead, the overwhelming likelihood is that you merely think you’re not attractive enough, which is totally different, and that goes for both straight men and women.
Most women really just need to be attractive enough to see themselves as attractive. As long as you think you look good enough to not close yourself off to the world, and you’re not expecting Jon Hamm to walk through that door, you’re totally fine.
For dudes, it’s also pretty simple: just don’t look like a fucking slob, and try to have your life together. Have a plan, an idea of yourself, a job, and try to wear clothes that fit, and aren’t annoying in some way, and that’s more or less it. If you just don’t make women physically recoil, then your personality can take care of everything else from there.
You may not want to handle some part of that. You may like your current dumb job, or your shirts with Rick and Morty quotes on them, but Jesus Christ. If that’s standing between you and fucking something other than your clasped fingers, then truly, what the hell are you doing with your life?
Now being attractive enough for some people to be interested in is only the beginning of the battle. It’s your armor and weaponry you’ve been given before you can go out and slay some fine honeys. But you’re not going anywhere without that.
Your Standards Are Dumb
It’s also possible that your standards are too stupid. I’m careful here to not say that your standards are “too high,” because the thought of ranking people “high” and “low” is inherently ridiculous. Everybody likes different things, and everything has its subjective drawbacks.
Plus, viewing people that way is a pretty Hitler-ish thing to do. So if you’re thinking in those terms, maybe lower that arm, and cut it out.
The greater issue is dumb standards. Dumb standards are arbitrary and judgmental. They aren’t based off of the potential strength of the relationship. They’re based off of things like preconceived notions about someone’s choice of facial hair, or college, or the way they say, “bolth.”
It’s the “preconceived” that’s the real bitch there. It’s not bad to want to be attracted to somebody you’re going to be fucking a lot, and there are elements of attraction that you can’t control. But it is bad to preemptively determine what you’re attracted to–to not give someone a chance because your type doesn’t typically include guys under six feet, or because your dad told you people from poor families are out to get you, or because you’ve convinced yourself that guys in frats are across-the-board date rapists.
The truth is that your attraction to people is specific, and mysterious, and weird. You may generally have a type, but you could also find that someone who doesn’t look like Ryan Gosling with a billion dollars could the perfect guy for you. That shit happens all the time, but only if you’re open to it happening–only if you let go of your dumb standards.
I’m not saying to give dirtbags a chance. I’m saying to not declare someone a dirtbag for a stupid reason, like a weird dating profile picture, or a smile you’ve randomly declared as creepy. Look for the shit that really matters, and as a rule of thumb, if you can get over something, probably just get over it already.
So those are the reasons you might be perpetually single: you’re not trying, you don’t feel comfortable with yourself and your attractiveness, and you have stupid bullshit standards that severely limit your options and just get in your way.
The good news is: this is all completely avoidable. The bad news is: avoiding all of this will involve you doing a lot of shit you don’t want to do. I know this, because you’ve already avoided it up until now.
I’m sure not all of this applied to you. It rarely all applies to one person. But for damn sure, part of it does, and to live thinking otherwise is to live in denial.
So now, the question is: what are you willing to do? Using the motivation of another Valentine’s Day date with a fully eaten box of chocolates, what are you willing to really change about your life? This last part will sound harsh, but I ask it only because I love you (not like that; find someone else):
What steps are you willing to take to not die alone?
