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My wife and my family (of immigrants) are constantly at odds, neither can admit that they’re wrong and that the other might have a good way of doing things, and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s not always obvious, but there’s just this underlying clash of cultures and perspectives, and it creates this weird tension. It’s making me dread Christmas, and I don’t know what to do about it.
I think a major key in scenarios like this is in helping both parties to see the good in each other. Even if both parties here are dead set that they’re right about what they’re doing and can’t fathom that somebody else could be correct (not to play doctor here, but side note: paging Dr. Freud), that’s okay. The point isn’t in getting them to agree, but to see the other person not as an asshole, but hopefully just a lovable idiot.
That sounds like a low bar, but keep in mind that you’re not even close to that low bar right now.
For instance, maybe your wife thinks the way your mom looks after your kids or vice-versa is wrong. But if you’re right that both parties are coming from a good place, it’s really beneficial to demonstrate that, and emphasize it over and over.
The eventual goal here is to get both parties to love each other for their differences, and to maybe, kind of be open to the idea that their way isn’t the only way. This is a bigger project, and it only works if you take the other necessary baby steps first.
Some people have never loved anybody for their differences. Whether it’s conscious or not, these people always have an internalized feeling that their way is definitely the best in all scenarios. They’ve internalized an inner elitism towards people that they don’t even realize they’ve obtained.
At the risk of insulting everyone you know and love, GOD these people suck.
So if this really matters to you, and you really want to change this, get ready to put in the work.
This starts with pointing out great qualities in other people that are totally different from her. If she’s into interior design, point out somebody else being really into Marvel movies, and how great that is for them. Point out somebody else being really logical, or who’s great at using their Crockpot. Praise all people for all things. Have a corny ass Disney movie perspective for the holiday season. Become totally insufferable in this way.
Celebrating diversity doesn’t just have to be a racial thing. There’s a diversity of people that should be celebrated as well, but in order to celebrate it with others, we have to be outward about it. We have to make others see how great other cultures, or methods, or points of view are, even if on the inside we’re thinking, “God this person is annoying as shit.”
So enforce some level of open-mindedness with your wife, not just around your family, but in your everyday life.
We’re “basically the same” as each other, but we’re specifically different, and that’s what makes life educational, and interesting, and fun.
So basically, find these extremely roundabout ways to tell your wife to get the stick out of her ass.
Something about the holidays always makes me depressed. I think it’s going back to my hometown and seeing the depressing life my family lives. They just get fed such false information, and then they watch escapist TV, and the world slowly gets worse. I struggle to maintain any hope.
To me, this requires a balanced approach, and that balance is between continually trying to change them and their lives, and saying “fuck it,” and turning to escapism. Both methods are important.
So you do have to try to educate your family on things you’ve learned outside of their bubble, and encourage them to view things differently, and show them the great big world outside of their HGTV and their inability to work the iPad. You HAVE to do this for a few reasons.
First of all, you do this because you have an obligation to the world. If you feel that the world would be better off with your parents as changed people, you’re in a better position than anyone to change them, and kinda fuck you a little if you don’t.
Now with that said, you’re still not in a great position to change them, because changing anyone is incredibly hard, and with what I must assume the ballpark age is for your parents is, rare as fuck.
But your main problem in your initial question was a feeling of hopelessness, and the only way to combat that and maintain hope, is to continually try to change them.
Your actions inform your level of hope. Some level of hopelessness is inevitable in this situation, but the debilitating, depressing hopelessness that you’re talking about is informed by your actions. Not speaking up to your parents, and not trying to change them is you giving up on the situation. When you give up on action, you give up on hope.
If you keep trying to change them, your actions are continually telling your emotional brain, “You’re still trying, meaning something could still happen.”
So this is also about tricking your brain. To continue to try is to continue to maintain hope, which is to continue to not hate your life quite so much.
But there’s a certainly a limit to this. It’s absolutely true, as I’m sure many readers could confirm, that banging your head against the brick wall of trying to change someone all the time is both completely exhausting and demoralizing for you, and annoying for them. You do have a responsibility to try to change someone, but if you’re totally relentless, then continuing to try will have a reverse effect and you’ll just push them to get even more stubborn in their views. And that sucks.
So it’s important to maintain the bond with your family. This requires dedicated time to just hanging out with them, to just playing lawn darts, to just watching a Guy Fieri marathon. You need some of this when you visit home. You need to maintain the notion that you’re all family, and all love each other.
This is important for both strategy, and your sanity. The strategic element is that your parents won’t listen to you as much if they feel separated from you. They’re much more likely to think that you’ve been taken off of some wild deep end and are completely out of their sights and perception.
But of course, this is also just to give you a break. If you dread visiting your family because it becomes so depressing, and you’re in a distant, bad mood the whole time you’re there, that won’t accomplish anything.
So actively look for fun activities. Never stop seeing these stagnant, depressing people as your parents. Actively create good times with these people you love while also trying to change how awful they are. This is the only way forward.
My boyfriend is spending too much time playing video games. It’s taking away from our time in our relationship, and I’ve voiced my opinion about it before, but he complains that he needs his time to himself. I want to respect that, but I also, like, don’t want to lol.
I think what a lot of people in this situation need, above all else, is structure. This applies to both you and him.
Everyone needs alone time, and he does deserve it, and what he does in that alone time isn’t super relevant to you. I mean, after all, it’s called alone time. So that part is something you need to get used to.
The problem in these situations is often that that time gets out of hand, and our control of our time gets out of hand. He doesn’t really tell you what he’s doing. He just kind of starts playing Fortnite, and you weren’t planning on being by yourself, so you start nagging him, and then he gets annoyed with you because he’s in the middle of a thing, and you storm away, and he keeps playing until he no longer feels like it, and video games are awesome, so that’s like five hours later, and oops, there went your day.
Everybody involved here just needs to communicate and set limitations. Work together with him to designate his video game time, when you guys eat, when you’re productive, and when you decide to lay in bed next to each other and stare at your phones, and occasionally show each other memes that the other one doesn’t really get because they didn’t know Twitter is talking about Tom Hanks right now.
You don’t have to schedule every second of your day, but for your bigger, more conflict-heavy priorities, this is important. The problem is never what we spend our time doing, but our lack of consciousness about doing it. The problem is not keeping track of ourselves, or communicating what we’re doing to the other person.
The good news is, both of those problems are incredibly easy to fix.
So sit down with him, tell him this is important to you, and encourage him to still take his time to himself. You just want to make your day a little bit clearer.
If he’s annoying about this, probably start fucking other people.
