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So here’s the bad news: America is currently in a Cold Civil War–a non-violent but starkly debilitating division between two sides that’s ripping apart families, undermining our only decent institutions, taking our focus away from what matters, and keeping us from making any progress towards anything. It’s a bitter, us vs them, spiteful, stagnant existence, and if I may be so blunt, it totally sucks ass.
Here’s the good news: Since the election, I’ve been cooped up in my COVID-bunker trying to figure out how to fix the American republic and end our Cold Civil War, and I think I’ve got it figured out, you guys!
Spoiler alert: It involves us all getting way better at being people.
Look I’m as elated and relieved as well over half of the country is right now. It’s like I took off my bra for the first time in four years (or, so I’ve heard that’s the sensation). It feels incredible.
But there’s also a turd in my proverbial punch bowl, and it’s this: Over 73 million people still voted for him.
Despite, you know, everything about him–from his general behavior, to ripping kids from their parents, to trying to ban an entire religion, to insulting war heroes, to numerous anti-LGBTQ measures, to turning away refugees, to his divisive rhetoric, to the arrest of several members of his staff, to kowtowing to white supremacists and dictators, to botching a pandemic response to the tune of 240,000 deaths, to having an affair while his wife was pregnant, to bragging about sexual assault, to constantly violating the emoluments clause, to his repeated fraud, to peddling of conspiracy theories, to trying to rip healthcare from people, to not releasing his tax returns, to employing authoritarian tactics with everything from appointments, to denigrating the media, to now undermining democracy, to an endless, overwhelming, gaslighting, unprecedented degree of lies…
73 million people saw all of that, and still ranged from “Yeah that’s fine,” to “This man is my literal lord and savior.” And because that’s so unfathomably reprehensible to the rest of us, we can’t really just get past it, and so, here we are.
The Cold Civil War continues because we have no idea how to fight it.
So…What Do We Do About That?
For people in my camp, since the election, I’ve noticed this online debate between two schools of thought about how to act towards Trump supporters:
- Reunite. The idea is something like, “Now is the time to come back together! We must reach across the aisle and bring Trump supporters in for a big hug, and not be so divided and harmonize God Bless America and blow on dandelions together! Then we’ll truly…be great again.”
Is this a real option? Do we just pretend that our aunt doesn’t believe the latest QAnon theory that the Starbucks down the street is a cover for a deep state black Islamist baby-eating ring, and instead we just smile, and ask her to pass the gravy?
No, just as you wouldn’t have been like, “Well both sides need to just agree to disagree,” in 1860.
Basic differences of opinion are okay. Half of the country voting for that paragraph is not. So let’s look at the other reaction people online seem to be advocating for:
2) Nah, fuck those assholes.
I don’t think this is the right path either.
The right path, I believe, is that you have to relentlessly persuade with love.
I know, I know. UGH.
But, sorry. Love is the only thing that’s going to work. You have to lead with love in talking to these people, and that has to be your motivating factor as you nudge them away from this direction.
Let’s go through what that means, because I already know what a lot of you are thinking.
Why Love?
I know a lot of you will read that, and immediately repeat the sentiment from above: “Nah, Will…seriously, fuck those assholes.”
Let me be clear: I get, “Nah, fuck those assholes.” I feel, “Nah, fuck those assholes.” I fully believe that “Nah, fuck those assholes,” is justified.
But acting on a justified sentiment isn’t the same thing as making the world better. Neither is expressing a very understandable feeling, or showing them the love you think is “deserved.” This isn’t about giving love where it’s deserved. This is about trying to change people.
The “Fuck those assholes,” impulse is exactly why we fail at changing them. It’s exactly why I expect the primary response to this article to be, “Ridiculous. These people are too far gone. Look what they supported. There’s no reaching them. It’s impossible.”
Is it impossible? Or do we just suck at it? When you’ve tried to persuade them, have you done it by making them feel like dipshits? Or by making them feel loved?
We both know the answer to that, don’t we?
Right now when we try to persuade, we don’t lead with love. We just end up yelling our preconceived notions at people, and aim for the feeling of winning, instead of the goal of persuasion, and the end result is that we get neither.
And sure, we have a lot to be angry about. But if you can manage it, you’ve got to swallow that. Put a proverbial daisy in the barrel of their But-Her-Emails Rifle. Don’t focus on who deserves what, or what you “want” to say to them. Focus on what works.
Leading with love is more vital than ever right now because these people you’re trying to persuade are just….sooooo wrong. And do you know what’s one of the shittiest, most embarrassing feelings in the world?
Being soooooo wrong.
And if you make them feel that way–again, even if they deserve it–you will only push them away more into their bubble. I know this, because it’s literally what we do all the time.
The only way anyone will step outside of that, and crack open their ears even the tiniest bit is if you lead with love. If you make them believe that you’re on their team, then they’re less likely to leave and join the assholes in free agency.
This isn’t hopeless. It’s just hard. But it’s only impossible if you try to do this with the wrong people.
Who Do We Love
So here’s some good news: You only have to lead with love with people that you actually love.
So first off, you don’t have to love politicians. Fuck that. They don’t care. Carry on laughing as you imagine Trump’s post-election tantrums, and fantasizing about Mitch McConnell getting rocks thrown at him. They can continue to fuck off into the sun forever.
It also doesn’t cover people you only kind of know, or vaguely care about. You don’t have to lead with love with your obnoxious Trump-supporting co-worker. That shit’s not going to work. You can’t love that guy. You fucking hate him.
And don’t worry about your friend from high school who’s really into QAnon now, or your dad’s whack job friend on Facebook. You’re not changing these people, so don’t engage. Feel free to fully let that shit go.
Leading with love only covers people you actually love–family, or people who might as well be family (Note: If your family is just world class assholes, or votes in a way that prohibits your rights, you’re not expected to adhere to this). These people are your responsibility to love and persuade. It’s just your corner. Remember that you love them, and why you love them, and keep that in the absolute front of your mind all the fucking time as you persuade them.
These people aren’t hopeless. You know that. You know what’s really in their soul, because you love them. They’re just also exposed to completely different facts with completely different spins than you, so they believe completely different things. They live in an alternate fucking universe where this asshole is a source of wisdom.
Carry them with love to your universe.
But, okay, how the hell do you do that?
What Does Leading with Love Actually Mean?
Above all else, leading with love means leading with listening.
This is an act of love because none of us want to do it. We’re kind of all giant babies, constantly thinking, “Blah blah blah–WHEN’S MY TURN TO TALK?” especially with politics.
We’ve been rehearsing our arguments in our heads for months, sometimes years. We know exactly how we want to put others in their place, and prove just how motherfucking correct we are.
And I’m sure you are correct. I’m sure you have thought about this more, and done more research from more credible sources. But guess what?
NOBODY CARES. LEAD WITH LOVE.
Other people just want to be heard before they can listen to you. Welcome to humanity. We’re self-absorbed assholes. Know this, and use it to your advantage.
Listening is also important because it’s what gets you on the right path of understanding 1) What they think the facts are, and 2) How those facts have been spun by their source of information.
Listening is how you can learn why they think kids in cages is okay, or why they feel so threatened by fucking Joe Biden of all people (kind of like being threatened by a bowl of unflavored oatmeal). You need to listen because you need to actually understand where their head is at.
This is how you understand their idea of what the facts are, and how those facts have been spun to them. This is how you can direct them towards other news sources–by first understanding how they’ve ended up here. This is how you present the facts in a new way, and help them see the world in a new light–by first understanding what their old light looked like.
You do this by loving and listening, and you’re going to have to do it a lot because Fox News and all of it’s batshit crazy offspring aren’t going anywhere.
It feels weird to focus on improving yourself when your primary thought for five years has been looking at someone else and going, “Can you believe this fucking asshole? How are you possibly supporting him?” but I’ve reached the conclusion that this is the only way forward.
The only way to combat echo chambers, and fake news, and polarization is by talking and more importantly, listening. We’ve gotten awful at this, and the only way forward is to practice until we’re less awful at it. Force ourselves into these seemingly uncomfortable conversations, knowing that if we start with love and listening every time, they don’t have to be so uncomfortable.
Fight the discomfort, lead with love, and start to practice opening your ears a little more. Do it for the republic.
