By 
Forgiveness is For You
Without divulging too many details, my friend really betrayed me a couple of months ago. There was ghosting, they talked shit about me, unfollowed me on all of the socials, and then apologized via text. That text has sat there unanswered since April.
At what point do I forgive him? Do I? Is there a line one can cross where that never happens?
Well first of all, seeking out advice while also starting with the phrase, “without divulging too many details” is really a dick move on your part, but I’ll do my best.
You forgive him immediately and always. Even if dude had never apologized, you forgive him (Besides being the healthy option, this gives you a near orgasmic feeling of superiority).
If you think that’s wrong, it’s probably because you fundamentally don’t understand forgiveness. We think of forgiveness as doing something for the other person–as a certain point where we let them off the hook for their wrongdoings when enough time has passed, and then hang out with them again normally like they never even ate all of your Fritos in the first place (or whatever happened between you guys). That might happen incidentally, but it’s not the point of forgiveness.
Forgiving him is for you. You forgive not to let him off the hook, but to allow yourself to stop harboring anger and resentment–which you should do, because what the fuck is that doing for you? What good is it for you to be living your life, and then to at random times in the day, be distracted with the thought of, “Ah, fucking Darren!” Let it go, dude.
Now what you might have meant is this: “Should I be friends with this person again?”
This is different from forgiveness. Forgiveness is about how you let yourself feel. Deciding to be friends again is about how proceed with this friend.
This isn’t to be based on feelings, but rather evaluation. The main thing you’re evaluating is how likely this behavior is to be repeated.
You need to look at past behavior. Is this a friend that does this shit all the time? Or was this a genuinely weird time in their life where they just flew off the handle and happened to tell others that you’re a twatface?
You also need to look at the level of remorse. Do you feel like this friend actually feels bad and regrets their behavior? Are they just swallowing their pride because they like to use your friendship and they figure it’s the only way to do that? Might be worth figuring this out in person, or if you’re still solidly in the, “Nah, they can fuck off” camp, it might be worth just telling him, “Nah, you can fuck off.”
The point is, this isn’t about some amount of time until you relent and pretend like nothing happened. It’s about fully acknowledging that something happened, staying aware of it, not letting it run your life, and doing what you can to make sure it doesn’t happen to you again.
Apologizing to Dickheads
I didn’t invite my friend to a food event I knew she wouldn’t want to go to, and wouldn’t be interested in and she kind of lashed out at me. She told me I was a bad friend, and has since not responded to me for several days–basically because she just wanted to be invited.
The thing is, I know she’s going through a tough time personally, and is probably just redirecting her anger at me. I want to be empathetic, but I also want to stand up for myself. Should I have invited her? Should I apologize?
Well for starters, no. You’re in no way obligated to invite anyone to anything, and you shouldn’t apologize. This whole idea of courtesy invitations for things as a form of politeness is so artificial and ridiculous.
Politeness is offering to help someone move, or saying please and thank you, or making sure the catering at your party has a gluten free option for your annoying friend. It’s acknowledging someone for something relevant to them, and making sure their needs are met.
But this–like truly, what is the idea behind this bullshit invite? “Hey, I shot you a completely insincere text where I was praying for a ‘No,’ and I knew you’d say no. But I wanted you to feel included in something you had no intention of being a part of. You’re welcome!”
Honestly, what a stupid world we live in. I don’t know what that is, but it’s not politeness, or being considerate.
If you want someone to join you for something, invite them. If you don’t, then don’t. That rule remains true at all times and in all situations. At no point are you doing anything wrong by making your own decision on that. Adulthood isn’t a 4th grade birthday party. You don’t have to invite the kid that eats his boogers, or in this case, the friend that bitches you out for not being invited.
Now with all of that said, you’ve said this person is your friend, and they’re going through a tough time. You’re right to think you should approach them with empathy, so there is a flipside to this.
It is incumbent on you to help your friend. It’s important to not just wait for someone to ask for help, but to offer your help, and ask how you can help. It’s important not to do stupid bullshit like fake invitations, but to do actually polite, considerate things.
You are responsible for trying to make their world better. That’s part of the friend deal. So you don’t have to invite her to something you know isn’t a good fit for her, but think of something that is a good fit soon. Seek to talk to her about what’s really bothering her. Offer her a variety of chill pills (you know, metaphorically speaking).
But do these things in genuine ways. Let her know you’re thinking about her by telling her you’re thinking about her–not with stupid bullshit like this.
Fitting In
I have a group of friends that I get along with, and have a good time with, but I don’t feel like I really fit in with them. We have different interests, and come from different backgrounds, and it makes me feel out of place, I think. Like I look forward to hanging out, but when I’m there, I’m feel like I’m different than the rest of them. Does that make sense?
It makes perfect sense, I totally get what you’re saying, and what you’re experiencing isn’t uncommon. But it also like…a bunch of stupid bullshit that doesn’t really matter.
Common interests are way overrated. I get that we all have a desire to fit in. But we should also consider, like, stopping that. The whole concept of “fitting in” works off of the assumption that people are these square pegs or round holes, and nobody is. Everyone who has ever lived is an amorphous blob (Side note: If you’re by chance interested in ladies, never tell them that. In my experience, they take you way out of context.)
You said yourself that you enjoy your time with them. That’s the cutoff point of things that matter. Unless the activity you enjoy is throwing rocks at children with them, (i.e. they’re making you a worse person in some way), you’re fine. Get out of your head a little. You’re making mountains of molehills.
If you enjoy your time with these people, then you can find and develop common interests with them. You’ll find you like stuff they like and vice-versa. Whether or not you guys both like naked mud wrestling and Chipotle (or whatever you’re into) is secondary. Answering the, “Do I get you on a human to human level?” is primary.
Not only are we not all “basically the same,” but it’s fucking great that we’re not “basically the same.” Don’t try to lean into common ground that isn’t there. Instead, lean into your differences, and the outside spice you bring to the group.
Also try inviting them into your naked mud wrestling world. If they don’t suck, some of them will take you up on it.
Friendships, like relationships, don’t have to follow a list of checked boxes. All you really have to do is like being around each other, and not stab each other. Congrats on finding that.
To get your own harsh advice, check out the advice box on the front page of my site.
